Gordon in the morning: Adele meets her public

More from Gordon today on the public, as Adele adjusts to fame:

IF ADELE was a footballer Chelsea would be trying to sign her for £50million in the transfer window.

Well, no; the FA wouldn't allow her to play at a senior level for a team like Chelsea. I suppose they might consider her for the Chelsea Ladies team (Chelsea Ladies?) but given that it's a semi-pro side, they'd be unlikely to pay such a large... oh, hang on. It's topical whimsy, isn't it?

But rather than soccer agents cashing in on her talents, "eBay weirdos" have been trying to drum up unusual memorabilia to sell on t'internet

Yes, he's still calling it t'internet.

The phrase "eBay weirdos" is built on very slim grounds:

The singer explained: "The other day I was up north and there were these - well, I don't think they were fans actually, they were like eBayers."

So, actually, Adele isn't even sure they were getting stuff to sell. So are they weirdos?

"I'd be at the venue, they'd be there. I'd leave the venue and they'd be there. Then they started taking pictures of my dog doing a s*** and stuff like that. It was really weird."

Adele added: "I was on my own taking Louis out for a walk. One of them just got in the lift with me and I got really panicky."

So, yes, you can see that that might be alarming - but is there really any evidence that there was anything "weird" about this bloke who just wanted an autograph? Recently, every time a fan has got a little too over-excited about meeting somebody famous Gordon is quick to suggest they might be some sort of nutter - which, of course, just fuels a cycle of well-known people coming to see over-pushy fans as mentally unstable threats.

But what of the photographs of the dog pooping? Gordon latches on that:

She rumbled one fan taking pictures of her dog Louis Armstrong doing its toilet.

Rumbled? Didn't she just "see" them? And clearly the example of the shitting hound was used by Adele as a shorthand, but Gordon makes it sound like she's got some sort of celeb canine scat stalker. Selling the pictures on eBay.

There are people who hang around singers taking pictures of them doing everyday things in order to sell them, but they're not eBayers. They're the people who sell you photos, Gordon.

Still, there's a world of difference between you and some sort of stalky weirdo, right? Oh... hang on, Gordon's still typing:

Adele has a mysterious new boyfriend who she describes as a "wannabe comedian".

He'd have to be, to cope with the "one-woman Carry On film" as her pals describe her.

She added: "It's early days. He wants to be a comedian. He makes me laugh. We're still getting on, so yeah, it's nice."

Do you know the identity of Adele's comedian boyfriend? And don't ring up and say SID JAMES.

Well done, Gordon. Only you could start an article with faux-concern that Adele is being surrounded by strangers trying to make money off her by grabbing her secrets, and then end it by calling for strangers to make money by revealing her secrets.